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November 28, 2006
Slow Down, You Move too Fast
One of my old friends, Alyssa, told me about smoking. She said smokers don't necessarily enjoy a cigarette while they are smoking it, but that they are already looking forward to the next one. I thought (judgmentally) that they ought not be smokers, then. But then she related it to my indulgence in a bag of chocolate chips. "Do you enjoy each handful as you wolf them down? Or are you looking forward to the next one even while you are eating your current handful?"
She made a good point.
That was (let's see...hmm) 4.5 years ago, and I'm still trying to learn that lesson. I'm not a smoker, but I do love to eat. And I still tend to eat way too fast, instead of eating every bite and savoring it.
The moral of the story? Listen to Simon and Garfunkel. They knew what they were singing about: Slow down. You move too fast. You've got to make the moment last.
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November 26, 2006
Shout Out
to Mike for the computer. Ahhh, home computing again. Thanks so, so much, Mike.
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November 24, 2006
no longer cold hard ball, but still toughened.
psalm 26 helped. you know, we usually think of evildoers as the people in CSI or Law and Order, especially the Special Victims Unit. But having the Psalmist name those sinners who surround me 'evildoers' reminded me of several things:
1. God knows my problem. He already knew I'd be full up to here [points to eyebrows] of this job and all the accoutrements of the retail life. Whew! And I know he already dealt with sin and sinful people and sinful subcultures: what do I think the Redeemer was doing (is doing), after all?
2. God recognizes that it is actually a problem. It is a sinful subculture, and all the marketing and crap is sinful! It is sinfulness, hypocrisy, an assembly of evildoers, wickedness, and they are sinners, bloodthirsty men, their hands are filled with evil devices and bribes!
3. God reminds me of specific solutions to my problem. He reminds me that though I am surrounded, I am still within his steadfast love. I may rest because he vindicates me. I am innocent and my place is where God ordains: in God's house, worshipping him.
4. After all, my foot stands on level ground.
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All this leads me to a more charitable view of the stupid lemming customers: they are stupid lemming customers, but they are so because they are trapped by sin and sinfulness. I've never rung up someone I know to be Redeemed who behaves in such a way as to shame their mother or the Name of their Redeemer. And I've had people come by my register who wear crosses on necklaces, and who wear the cross on their hearts: it's a discernible difference, and sometimes subtle. But a difference nonetheless.
But they are trapped by their culture, just as trapped as a heroin addict (an addiction I've never seen in a person's live) or an alcoholic (an addiction I have seen--it killed my uncle). Just as you feel sorry for the thousands of cattle in feedlots, milling around in that filthy manure-mud, because you know they are destined for the slaughterhouse, so compassion for these poor trapped lemmings has grown in me. They are just as surely lost, and they crave our prayers.
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But I'm still inured to their behavior--mostly. I don't grow as impatient or judgmental...I just don't let their silliness get to me as much. I don't let their passive aggression or their deception or theft or disrespect get under my skin. (Why? Because I recognize myself for who I am--redeemed--and I recognize them for who they are--in need of redemption while being simultaneously part of the assembly of evildoers.
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psalm 26
Vindicate me, O LORD,
for I have walked in my integrity,
and I have trusted in the LORD without wavering.
Prove me, O LORD, and try me;
test my heart and my mind.
For your steadfast love is before my eyes,
and I walk in your faithfulness.
I do not sit with men of falsehood,
nor do I consort with hypocrites.
I hate the assembly of evildoers,
and I will not sit with the wicked.
I wash my hands in innocence
and go around your altar, O LORD,
proclaiming thanksgiving aloud,
and telling all your wondrous deeds.
O LORD, I love the habitation of your house
and the place where your glory dwells.
Do not sweep my soul away with sinners,
nor my life with bloodthirsty men,
in whose hands are evil devices,
and whose right hands are full of bribes.
But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity;
redeem me, and be gracious to me.
My foot stands on level ground;
in the great assembly I will bless the LORD.
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Run, Rack of Lamb, Run
this morning at 4:30 driving to The Department Store for my Black Friday Shift, we discussed the wisdom of speeding at such an hour. On the biggest shopping day of the year, we figured the cops would be out. we saw none, and i said "they are probably at the donut shop. run, donut, run."
i went on to say that the reason cops have such a donut-eating reputation is that back in the day only donut shops were open 24 hours, and they they'd stop by to have a snack...they were hungry! if it were other 24-hour eateries, like prime rib or rack of lamb shops open all night, we'd see "run, rack of lamb, run" t-shirts instead of "run, donut, run" t-shirts for the mocking of cops.
which is to say that i had a huge post written in my head to document the black friday buffoonery. i shall post it later, after my nap. reading and catching up on blogs, along with the lovely classical Christmas music the Dude is playing on the DirecTV radio channel is relaxing me. so i shall nap. i'll post more later today.
tata for now.
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November 14, 2006
Burn
Holy Jesus, you abide in me. Let your truth, your justice, your way burn my heart and my soul till I am nothing but a small pile of ash. Consume me and my anger, my coldness, my indifference, my hardness, and remake me -- transform me! -- till I become more like you despite my cold heart. I've tried to rid myself of this hard ball of cold indifference, but I cannot be the agent of transformation in my own life. You alone, reaching in from outside, from above, must do the work of transformation in my heart, my soul, my mind, my way of being. I must be realigned with you but I can no more realign myself than a painting can level itself...I must have the plumb line of your word to show me what is truly level, and I must have your strong arm reach over and -- just so -- level me, transform me, till I am once again who I desire to be.
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Hard Ball of Cold Indifference
[Here's what has been simmering (or festering?) these last few weeks. This is why I haven't been posting in a while. So here's my summary, my rant, my anger, my hard ball of cold indifference.]
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Ah, the Holiday Shopping Season. I refuse to call it Christmas, because Christmas has nothing to do with the consumerist frenzy I observe every day in The Department Store. It's The Holiday Shopping Season. Here are some marked differences between life in a department store and life outside, in the real world.
- The Evergreeny-Red-and-Greeny decorations went up overnight (they worked an overnight shift!) right after the Halloween push was over. So starting the 31st, they worked that evening and all night to get the wreaths, swags, berries and evergreen twigs, posters, and all that crap up. That way shoppers could see the decorations up on the first of November.
- They worked to get the decorations ready for hanging for a couple weeks before Halloween. That means that she was trimming trees, straightening wreath branches, and organizing swags all over the Break Room starting about October 10. Yes, that early.
- The endless soundtrack of kitchy/nostalgic/traditional music has begun. It was very cunningly chosen, to evoke memories and days of yore. It plays all day long in the Store and so it plays all night long in my head.
- There's so much stuff in the store. There's so much more stuff! It's all santas and reindeer and holly leaves and snowmen and candles and peppermints and cranberries and stars and snowflakes. So much of it is coordinated, so that you are tempted to buy the matching placemats, napkins, napkin rings, plates, serving bowls, wall hangings, and santa-head mugs. Ick. It's so cute and tempting but it's really expensive when you load it all in your cart and get to the register.
- It's only mid November and people are already shopping for gifts. They buy, say, one or two or three gifts for each person on their list and end up with $600 (easily) of merchandise. Then they complain about the price. But they are the ones making the decision to follow along (like lemmings to the cliff edge) with Marketing's Master Plan. (You're not a lemming! You're a person! You were created with thought and ration and reason! Why aren't you using it???)
- There's so much more stuff in the store, and there are so many more customers in the store. There are extra-super-spectacular-extended hours more often these days to accomodate all the shoppers for all the extra stuff. Just the amount of people I ring up each day makes my head spin...so many people in the store buying so much stuff!
- Extended hours...even with so, so, so, so many people coming to shop, the store still doesn't really get hopping till 10-11am. Even on a Saturday! Even on a supersaleSaturday, it really doesn't get so busy that it's steady till 10 am or so! So people come in and get stuff that they freely choose to buy, but then complain about the traffic and the busyness in the store and the long lines at the cashier...but don't bother coming in before 9:30. They could come in a little earlier and beat the crowds, but no! They have to come in the same time as all the other stupid lemmings and then complain about it.
- Black Friday is Coming. It's coming, people. My shift starts at 5am. Yikes.
- Marketing. Honestly, do people have no rational thought when it comes to commercials and radio spots and newspaper ads? They see the ad and they don't connect the dots that The Department Store is saying, in effect, "Come here and buy stuff and make your Christmas happy and memorable and suffused with the soft glow of candlelight, firelight, and love." I'm sick to death of marketing.
So the Most Wonderful Time of the Year has pushed me over the edge. I hate marketing and how it seems to short-out rational thought. I hate greed and how much it drives sales. I hate covetousness. I hate manipulation. I hate that I am changing because I spend so much time in this world.
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Here's how I'm changing:
- I don't care as much anymore.
- I see people less as created, dignified Image bearers (like a good Covenant grad does) and more like stupid, easily manipulated lemmings.
- I've had one too many experiences like the following: Customer comes up to register, yapping cheerfully with mother/daughter/motherinlaw/shoppingbuddy, talking animatedly about whatever, seeming like a perfectly nice person. Then she interrups her cheerful demeanor she shines on her shoppingbuddy, and accuses me (either directly or passive-aggressively) of purposefully ringing her stupid santa knickknacky crap whatever as 1.99 more than it was signed as in the back of the store! No joke, folks, she is really good at making me feel like a dummy, a stupid yokel, a badly dressed boor that just fell off the turnip truck or just got off the boat, or an ugly stepsister worthy of being talked to like a stupid tree stump.
- I'm full up to here [points to eyebrows] of self-satisfied divas treating me like crap just because I'm behind the register...that's who I see now, instead of a person--I see a Diva that I loathe. (And that makes me no better than they are...they see nothing but a cashier, I see nothing but a stupid lemming customer.)
- I have no problem interrupting people to answer their question because I know what they are asking before the ask it. (Returns are at customer service...The restroom is in the back of the store, behind customer service...That discount is only good with your Department Store Credit Card...No, that price changed. It's after 1 pm, and the sale prices were advertised till 1pm. Here's the ad; see, it says 1pm...No, we're out of those...No, there are no more in the back; what we have is what's out on the shelves...No, today is not senior day.)
- I don't care when they find themselves trapped by addiction to consumerism. Instead of feeling compassion for these poor souls, trapped like a dolphin in a tuna net in their own desire to possess moremoremore, I despise them for their stupidity and willingness to be duped by sin.
- I compare myself to the stupid lemming customers and find myself superior, and I fail to see that as sin, just as sinful and just as needful of the Redeemer as they are, trapped in their addiction to consuming.
- I'm hard. I have this hard little nub in the bottom of my heart, where I just don't care anymore if people mistreat me or themselves. It's like a calloused spot...and it's a hard little ball of calloused judgment that sits in judgment over the stupid lemming customers and finds them wanting. It's worse than active, bitter hate. It's cold and hard and uncaring. I'm hardened.
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So what does this mean? It means I am officially (though not offically at The Department Store) on the job hunt again. I'll give them my two weeks' notice and begone. Once I find a new job. And it won't be in retail.
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