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September 13, 2006
Living at Home
When I graduated from college, I moved back home to live with my parents. I moved right back into my old room, back into the old life. I taught at my old high school (I do not recommend that...it's tough to move into a role that just isn't there for you...imagine going to faculty meetings with colleagues who were your teachers just four years ago!).
Living with your parents would not work for a lot of people. Many of my college friends were surprised at this turn, and those who also moved back home had a tough time. But you don't know my parents. Or, if you do, you understand. It was really great! I had a good year with Mom and Dad. They're really neat people, and I loved getting to know them better and developing a neat friendship with them.
Then I moved to Hawaii. I was very lonely there and spent a great deal of time on the phone. I had to leave before the school year was over, so I moved back home after 4 months.
I lived with Mom and Dad for 2 years minus 4 months. Then I moved to Central Pennsylvania. Dated the Dude (long distance dating). Traveled a lot (drove to Western PA and Center Hill often) and called folks often on my long drives. Got engaged. Moved. Got married.
I kept in close contact with Mom and Dad while I lived in PA and dating the Dude. They knew what was going on even though they lived 1400 miles from me. But because they lived so far away, I also maintained close contact with my church in PA. They were also a family to me.
I was telling this story to a church-lady friend here in Chatt. She was especially excited about the part where I lived at home after I graduated from college. She's of the opinion that young women should live at home till they marry. She is also of the opinion that people should marry young. She and her husband will likely not allow their daughter to go far away for college, because then she'd have to live in the dorms instead of at home.
I have yet to really pick her mind and understand where she's coming from on these convictions, but I have plans to do that very thing. In the meantime, I think on it a lot.
Living at home worked really well for me. It would not have worked as well for my sister. She did live at home for a semester after she graduated, but then she moved to Chatt to 1) plan her wedding and 2) be near her fiance. However, she has also spent extended amounts of time living in Mom and Dad's house. The month before her wedding. 8 weeks while her husband had an internship in Denver. 4 weeks just now. And it goes well. This is 99% because my parents are awesome and 1% because we all miss each other so much when we're not together that we really value the Together Time we do have.
Ok...so here's the question...what do you think of this issue? Here's a summation of the issues (as I see them. Please draw other issues to attention if you see them):
- Should young women live with Mom and Dad till they marry?
- Why does it seem like daughters should do this more than sons should? Does it really seem that way, or is it just me?
- Did it work for me because my parents rock? Would it work for others? Did it work for you? Did it not work for you? Would it not work for you?
- Is it better to marry earlier (like, age 20-22)? Or middling (age 24-27)? Or later (age 29-)? I married middling and am thankful that I had those few years before I married to 'do my own thing.' And to grow up some more.
And as you answer, don't be afraid to be politically incorrect, or to criticize my political incorrectness. Really tell the truth. Call a spade a spade if you see one.
My $0.02 | By The Newest Worker | 01:36 PM
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Comments
If parents can treat their adult children like adults, I can see this as a viable solution for women. The plus side to a woman staying with their parents until they get married is that they have someone's protection at all times. I've lived with my parents, my husband and by myself. I didn't handle living by myself too well - I made some poor financial choices, I put myself in some dangerous situations, etc. Young men simply don't need the physical protection from their fathers that young women do.
The down side is that the woman has very little opportunity to really grow up. I don't believe a person reaches any real level of maturity until they are living away from their parents and responsible for their own actions. The woman you described, who intends to keep her daughters at home until they marry & wants them to marry young, in my opinion is setting her daughters up for divorce. These girls will not truly know who they are until well into the marriage and by then, they will already be partnered with someone for life. I think it's a rare situation when that works well. Since males tend to mature at a slower rate anyway, I think it's important for them to get out on their own at the earliest opportunity.
And for many young people, staying at home is simply not an option anyway. If there is friction, it is simply best to leave the home. My relationship with my parents greatly improved when I did that.
Posted by: Wifeepoo at September 13, 2006 04:59 PM
I lived at home for 5 months after college and before getting married, and it did NOT go well. My mom and I were at each other's throats the whole time and there was LOTS of friction (it didn't help that we were planning a wedding and that my parents had just moved so neither of us had any friends locally).
I am all for independence and moving out and starting your own life, and kind of against the assumption that women should live at home until they get married. If an individual (male or female) decides to live at home for a particular reason, ex. to save money, to help out with a situation at home, etc. I can see that working, but I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" way to do it morally speaking. My husband lived at home for over a year before we were married in order to save money and it worked really well. His parents were able to treat him as an adult, and he enjoyed the family time.
Also, what happens if God doesn't have marriage planned for a woman? Should she live at home her whole life? At what point is it "okay" for her to move out? If she doesn't get married until she is 40, should she be at home that whole time? If parents tell a young girl that she must live at home until she is married, they are also setting her up for the expectation that she WILL get married, which may not be the Plan for her life.
I have thought about this lots, because we have some close family friends that do believe a woman should live at home until marriage so I have lots of ideas about this.
Posted by: jlg at September 14, 2006 10:12 AM