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June 15, 2006
Yes or No?
I hear him laughing next door with his colleagues and I want to go over there and be included. I miss having colleagues.
I see his textbooks and postits and whiteboards covered with plans and calendars and I want that burden back, the burden of shaping young minds, the burden of looking down the path to December and then May and get excited about the possibilities facing them, facing me, facing us together.
I think about my own possibility, and excitement grows within me. If I get another closed door from the Lord, then I will be hurt. Again. I'm tired of closed doors and I hope and pray that this once I'll get a yes. I've had no's enough for a while and now I want a yes.
It reminds me of that day two years ago that I called his bluff (was it a bluff?) and he said the words I didn't realize I wanted so much to hear. Now I want to hear a yes from the bosses and if I hear another no I'll just be crushed.
A couple weeks ago a no would have made me shrug, but now a no would make me cry and cry. I've taken out that little box in my mind that I buried, taken it out and thought about planning and units and techniques and pedagogy, about that light in the students' eyes as they finally get it, even about the pain of getting out of bed on a cold barren January morning and facing the classroom full of chill and boredom, of all of us--teacher and students--wanting to be anywhere else, and I realize I want it so much I can taste it. The glimmer of mirage on the horizon makes my mouth water, and maybe this time it will be a yes.
Ponderings. | By The Newest Worker | 11:56 AM
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